Growing On: A Birth Mom Story

I’d like to think of this as moving on but really, it’s growing on.

There was a point in time where I was so consumed with anxiety that I honestly had to pep talk myself to leave my house. Let alone making sure my phone was charged and I had 3 chargers fully charged because my phone could die, and I wouldn’t be able to reach out to my network of support.

It hurt that my support system was so small that even I couldn’t handle it. I would have meltdowns that came out of the blue, and it felt like there was never a chance to just breathe.

I broke down one day because I didn’t have enough cash to get the bus home, but I had enough money on a card to get a bus pass, but the library didn’t sell passes that day and honestly, I wanted to throw myself on the sidewalk and just cry.

At work, my mind would overpower me and it would take me longer to get through a room and I remember telling my supervisor when she came to ask me why I was taking so long I just snapped. I’m done I don't want to play anymore. I’m taking my crayons and going home and pressing a redo button.

It was by far hysterical both situations when I reflect on it, but honestly, it was raw emotions I couldn’t process, understand, or work through. Just like everything else, there comes a light. My light came in so many forms. When my daughter turned 2 months I was blessed to go to Ohio on a birth mom retreat.

When I came home I had an amazing job waiting for me. That same job who sees both of my kids and include my daughter when they do things for their employees. They do back to school supplies and Christmas presents. My managers are completely compassionate and understand me on my hard, emotional days and they see so much potential in me and it's breathtaking.

Then a few months later I was introduced to the man of my dreams. He’s so strong and he always gets exactly what I need. I’ve never had someone who has been so in touch with me or my roller coaster of emotions. This man truly gets me and I’m so grateful for him.

So many times, I have hoped and prayed for good things to come and it took an unplanned pregnancy and an adoption plan to open my eyes for the amazing things I deserve from life. So, for me, this is growing on.

I’m growing into the woman I want to be. The woman that everyone sees in me. At times its bittersweet but at the same time it’s amazing.

A year ago, I wouldn’t of thought this was possible. It wasn’t possible to find peace or even picture my life going forward. Every day I get up and do it. I used to be so numb doing it but now I’m finding a normal and it feels right.

I teared up last night as I was watching my amazing other half making dinner a simple grilled cheese sandwich. It’s crazy how a simple gesture can bring a tear to your eye. Not a sad one but so hopeful. I don’t know what I did to deserve this amazing man who crazily agreed to him cooking and me cleaning but how did I get so lucky to be this happy finally for all the right reasons.

I’m so happy I found amazing support and love and actual friends who don’t use me anymore. I no longer feel guilty when I put self-love first. If I didn’t learn self-love I don’t think I could have appreciated anything in my life right now. So, I’ll continue to sit here and embrace all my emotions and deal with them as they come, and I’ll enjoy my little movie called life. 

Tagged In: