A Birth Mother's Heart

My name is Chrysteenya, and I’m a birth mother, but I’m not your typical.
 
My journey started on a path where I thought I could trust a man; a man who swore we had everything going for us. You see at 34 I was a little free-spirited and even a little promiscuous. Partying was by far my favorite thing to do, but we all have to grow up at some point.
 
The first time I called Hearts of Adoptions, I was greeted by the warmest and most amazing woman I know to this day. 6 Months ago, I told her I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. 
 
Amy Dean has forever changed my life in more ways than you can imagine. She answered the phone in a non-judgmental way that instantly reassured me this was going to be ok. The first time I met with her I was greeted with a hug. Never once was my horrible habits thrown in my face.
 
At first, my adoption plan was designed for me to get away from being shamed.  Shamed because I was the daughter who liked to do cocaine and drink. Shamed because I dared to sleep with the wrong men, according to my family. But later I learned this wasn’t about any of that at all. 
 
When I first went through the lists of parents, I kept coming across “my princess’s” parents. I just knew they would be her mommy and daddy. And I could go on and on about the reasons why nobody compared to them. 
 
The first time I video chatted with them they impacted me in so many ways. They were not judgmental. They didn’t care about my past and truly wanted to be parents of this baby growing inside me.
 
I tried so hard to not feel attached to this baby inside me because I knew I wasn’t keeping it. But boy did that get tricky. 
When I was 6 months along, baby girl’s mom and dad came to Florida to meet me.
 
We had an amazing lunch: lots of hugs, lots of tears, and lots of excitement. Because I knew it was a girl by this point, I asked them “What are you going to name her?”  I wanted to talk to her and use her name! I was already playing music and taking pictures.  I also kept trying to get videos of her moving in my belly, to proudly show her off to her mom and dad.
 
That’s when they told me her name would be Emerson. That name was so perfect.
 
I’m a tummy mommy who has been completely loved and considered because I’m part of her middle name. Both of her moms make her middle name, and I love that.
 
Her parents came to my state two days before we had our c-section to be on the safe side. We did dinner, ice cream, and on our big day, they even picked me up. I’ve never seen a couple so happy, excited, and nervous to get the biggest gift of their life.
 
I’m so blessed because Emerson had both her mommies in that room holding hands that day. Me feeling like a narrator in a play and the other mommy making sure I was ok and comfortable. The day she was born, when we first heard that faint cry, her tummy mommy looked at her mommy said, “Your princess is here.” and her mommy looked back at me and said, “Our baby girl is here!”
 
No amount of words can describe how it felt. It’s such an intimate moment that not many get.
 
I had pictured my delivery one day with a husband. In reality, I was single but I had wonderful support. I had my mother when I had my son who I parent, and then I had my daughters’ parents with me for her birth.
 
I was so lucky and blessed that I got to spend my whole hospital stay with the 3 of them. I wanted to know what they would all look like together. And it was love at first sight.
 
The hardest part of my journey was leaving that hospital with no baby. Going home to an empty efficiency with nothing. The only advice I can give birth moms is please get support and have it ready.
 
I was lucky Amy helped me reach out to other birth moms. I was lucky enough to meet Lori a fellow birth mom in Ohio who does retreats. I’ve never felt so loved so welcomed in my life. I have a place I belong. It might be odd that this group of strong amazing women are closer to me than my own family is. I’ve found an amazing tribe who loves me when I can’t love myself.
 
Don’t get me wrong I have my ups and downs. Being a birth mom isn’t sunshine and rainbows. I look forward to sharing my journey with you along the way.